I’m not personally Christian, but I was raised that way. I was pretty strongly anti-Christian as a result of that upbringing, but when I got to university, my stance was softened significantly by meeting wonderful Christians who were incredibly based. I remember that one of them described that they almost left the faith because of discomfort with their humanity, such as lust. In the end, they concluded that if God had made them with the ability to feel lust and enjoy lustful activities, then it felt wrong to deny this part of themselves (and indeed, they found that their lust was far more moderate and manageable when they stopped fighting themselves so much).

I feel like lust can be good or bad, depending on the context, rather like how I find that playing video games can be good or bad. Sometimes when I game it’s fulfilling, and a good use of my time. Sometimes though, I am desperately chasing some sense of escapism in a way that I can tell is harmful to me. Perhaps your battle would be better spent learning to discern the good from the bad. For example, if you’re super tight on money, then yeah, it’s probably not a great idea to be chasing the lust. But if you have the monetary means, and you’re in a good headspace about it, then perhaps indulging is not a bad thing.

I found this disproportionately funny because I used to live near a St John’s that had bells that would ring multiple times per day

I got a hell of a lot smarter when I learned to be vulnerable in this way. I was a “gifted kid” in school and had built most of my identity around being smart, so it was a lot of work, but hugely worth it

I think Personally, I don’t know. However, I am a cis person who has had body dysmorphia. Even when I was unhealthily thin, I perceived myself as disgustingly fat. I genuinely believed that things would be better if I just lost “one more kilo — just one more, and things will all be fine and I’ll start seeing myself as a human deserving of respect rather than just a disgusting lump. Yes, I know I said that 5 kilos ago, but just one more will do it”.

There was a fundamental mismatch between my perceptions and reality. As a small aside, your comment mentioned “body dysphoria”, when I suspect you meant “body dysmorphia” (and “gender dysphoria” is what many trans people experience). I’m not highlighting this to be a persnickety asshole, but because I think the (body) dysmorphia vs (gender) dysphoria contrast is interesting. Whilst my experience was rooted in disproportionately magnified perceptions of flaws, gender dysphoria is rooted in reality: consider someone who is assigned male at birth who later comes out as a trans woman. If she decides to go for medical transition (which typically involves hormones and surgery), these are pretty serious changes that wouldn’t make sense if someone already believed they were a cis woman. Rather, the gender dysphoria that many experience arises from an acute understanding of both the biological reality of their body, and the sociocultural reality of how people tend to perceive that body. (I also want to note, as a biochemist, that the way that our bodies respond to hormones is also part of biological reality. Like, if someone assigned male at birth starts taking estrogen, their body will go “cool, guess we’re making titties now”. Human nature, if it exists as a unified concept at all, is fundamentally fluid, and I wish we spoke about this more)

The key thing in distinguishing between gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia is the proposed treatment. Every kilogram I lost caused me to become more miserable, more caught up in my distorted perceptions, and more physically frail. Even before I had lost an unhealthy amount of weight, it would have been patently clear to an outside observer how bullshit my “just one my kilogram” spiel was. For trans people undergoing medical transition though, it’s a completely different story. Whilst I’m told by multiple friends that first starting HRT does feel like taking the red pill in the matrix, the ongoing reality of it isn’t quite so dramatic. Many of the changes are permanent, but they’re gradual enough that with support and oversight from medical professionals who understand trans people, there is so much opportunity to gauge whether this is the right path for a person. Whilst there are some people who regret transitioning, the regret rate for gender confirmation treatments is stunningly low compared to other cosmetic surgeries (I don’t have the number to hand, sorry). In terms of positive treatment outcomes, there are oodles of evidence that show that medical transition is absurdly beneficial — it’s a strong enough case that even if I didn’t care at all about the wellbeing of trans people, there’s a super strong case for the economic benefits of good access to gender affirming healthcare.

To put it simply, the difference between body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria is evident in how they respond to treatment. The therapy I underwent focussed on unwinding and unlearning the false perceptions of myself. In contrast, conversion therapy is not just an inhumane way to respond to gender dysphoria, but proven to be harmful. On the other side of things, indulging my delusions would have just deepened my spiral, whereas medically supported gender transition is proven to save lives and increase trans people’s wellbeing.

(N.b. I have focussed on medical transition here because that’s the angle that naturally arises from your question. However, not all trans people who experience gender dysphoria necessarily want to medically transition, finding that social transition (living as one’s chosen gender) is enough for them. I feel it important to highlight that many trans people I have known have expressed that they feel there would be far fewer trans people feeling they need to undergo medical transition if the world wasn’t so shitty to people who are gender non conforming. Also notable is that not all trans people experience gender dysphoria, and there are plenty of trans people who actively want to get away from thinking about things in terms of gender dysphoria, because they feel that it promotes an overly medical approach that can be harmful, such as how access to trans healthcare is increasingly being gatekept for bullshit reasons (their bigotry is transparent because in blocking access to trans healthcare, they are actively ignoring a pretty strong scientific consensus). Honestly though, I’m not the right person to discuss these nuances; I am in community with many trans people, but there’s a lot that I just simply can’t understand because I don’t have any direct lived experience of being trans. Furthermore, the trans community is far from a monolith, so discussions around terms like gender dysphoria, medical transition etc. ongoing.)

It sounds like you’re pretty skilled at resilience. No doubt it doesn’t feel like it, because it sounds like you’re far from thriving in life. However, as someone with a fair bit of trauma of my own, I know how hard it can be to simply continue existing.

I’m not going to say some trite shit about how things can get better, because I’ve been grappling with hopelessness myself a lot lately; just because something can theoretically get better doesn’t necessarily mean that it will — especially when the material circumstances of our life are so tied to the opportunities to heal that we have access to. What I will say is that I’m sorry you had to develop such resilience, and that so many of those happier potential futures were stolen from you. It’s not fair, and no amount of future happiness can ever change that. However, I hope that some day you are able to discover an accessible future that can be fulfilling for you, because you deserve it. Something that I tell myself when I am very low is that as long as I am alive, there is a non-zero chance that things will improve. It’s not much, but sometimes when it hurts too much to hope, it helps to hope for a reason to hope.

For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re here. I’m generally miserable lately, and although I know next to nothing of your world, there’s enough here that I feel a sense of solidarity with you. I’m not entirely sure whether that makes me feel any better — in some ways it hurts to see other people battling circumstance in the ways you describe. On the other hand, it does make me feel less alone, which bolsters my resolve somewhat. So thank you for being here (where “here” means on this thread, but also existing in this world). Existing is fucking hard under the circumstances you describe, and though it’s surely hard to see it this way, your strength in persisting is an achievement to be proud of.

It sounds like you are also skilled at maintaining a clear sense of your values even after repeated exposure to pressures against them. It’s a good skill to have, though super frustrating to have to use, I imagine

I probably wouldn’t try to convince you that it’s not a hallucination, but rather ask “so what if it is?”.

For example, I’m fairly sure that I’m not currently tripping, but I am also certain that my brain is the ultimate unreliable narrator. How do I know if any of this is real, or ever has been real? What does “real” even mean? Honestly, I don’t know, but ultimately it doesn’t change anything about how I choose to act in life

I don’t know the answer to your question, but I will say that I’m glad you’re still here with us, friend

Which is your project?

As an aside, your comment has hit me in a surprisingly profound way. I think it’s because it can be too easy to forget about the people behind the software we use. This is especially the case with proprietary software from big companies, but it can also happen with open source or smaller projects from individual devs. I think that it arises in part from thinking about software as a product, which neglects the messy relationality of how things are actually made, maintained and used.

It’s sweet to see such a serendipitous exchange of appreciation. It makes the world feel smaller, but in a good way.

I ended up wading into the world of WINE prefixes when I tried to mod some older games. I got it working in the end, but it sure made me grateful for how easy I have it with Proton

I share your enthusiasm. I wanted to learn Linux because so much scientific computing in my field relies on it, but when I dual booted, it was too easy to just retreat to Windows as the path of least resistance. I decided to fully make the switch to Linux as an attempt to force myself to learn stuff, but the big thing that held me back was nervousness about gaming.

Turns out that this fear was completely unfounded, and I have been utterly astounded at how easy gaming on Linux was. It wasn’t completely pain free, and there were a couple times that I needed to tinker somewhat, but it was no more difficult or frequent than I needed to do similar stuff on Windows.

I get what you mean about logging on feeling like home. Besides the scientific computing, a big part of what pushed me to Linux was how ambiently icked out I felt by using Windows — it didn’t feel like mine. Running Windows feels like renting a home from a landlord who doesn’t respect your boundaries and just comes in to make changes while you’re sleeping. Like, it’s not even about whether those changes are good or bad, but how weird it feels to constantly be reminded that this home is not truly yours.