Joseph Evangelisti, a spokesman for JPMorgan, said in a statement that the bank’s relationship with Epstein “was a mistake and in hindsight we regret it, but we did not help him commit his heinous crimes.” He added, “We would never have continued to do business with him if we believed he was engaged in an ongoing sex trafficking operation.”

“Ongoing” is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that highly constructed response

According to the article tagline it says its tomorrow

Gastroturfing sounds like it would be a portmanteau for when terrible restaurants pad their reviews online with fake ones, so they look better than they are

Ill give you a hint, it rhymes with “gastroturfing”

Stephen Miller’s favorite number

He is from West Virginia, and was a senator in Ohio. Appalachia includes a small part of Ohio either way

Mans over here buying spoons made out of aluminum foil apparently

Turning that M into a W

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His mother claims it was around the time of his funeral that he started to work miracles, and last year the late Pope Francis credited Acutis with two. The first, the Vatican said, involved the recovery of a boy in Brazil from a rare congenital disease affecting his pancreas; the second was the healing of a student in Florence with bleeding on the brain after suffering a head trauma, and whose mother had prayed at Acutis’s tomb in Assisi.

This is honestly a pretty strange situation. I dont practice the faith anymore, and havent for a long time, but IIRC I thought for someone to become a saint that they have to have had miracles occur during their lifetime. I dont understand how things occurring after his death are used as a justification, especially when they arent really directly related to him. Nor are they exemplary situations that are completely inexplicable, and could just seem miraculous due to our imperfect understanding of medical science…

The speed at which Acutis has been canonised, especially when compared with Frassati, is part of the church’s quest to attract more young people to the faith. “That’s exactly the point,” said Andrea Vreede, Vatican correspondent for NOS, the Dutch public radio and TV network. “The church wants to have a young saint who is a millennial, somebody who belongs to the modern age.”

When you pair it with the fact that they are quite literally rushing this through, when its normally a decades long investigative process, makes it seem like quite a crock. I mean it is religion after all, but even still I feel like devout Catholics would be highly skeptical of this even. People who had crazy stuff happen during their lifetime, like allegedly developing the stigmata, arent even canonized at this pace. Seems like its all just a ruse to try and draw impressionable youth into the faith

Sadly theyre going to sue the shit out of the US government, which we will all be paying for with tax dollars when they win… direct consequence courtesy of the morons who voted for this

Tbf the study part, which is buried pretty deep in the article, says that having 1 drink per day gives a 1 in 1,000 risk of dying from an alcohol related cause, and 2 drinks per day is 1 in 25. Those are probably significantly more problematic odds than the carcinogenic aspects of eating red meat or even of smoking. Definitely worse than what anyone would guess, even if they know alcohol is bad for you already

Think of all the people who maybe have quite a few drinks on the weekend but wouldnt consider themselves alcoholics by any means, they could have a 1/10 chance (or worse) of dying from drinking without even drinking every day

Considering he helped the anti-christ become president, this should be in nottheoninion

That or hes creating the pretext for the WWIII that he promised his presidency would allegedly prevent from occurring. Mfs about to get sent to the front line just to distract from the Epstein files

JD “whatever makes sense” Vance couldnt build a cult following if he tried. He has zero, it not negative, charisma

Its worth saying he doesnt need one to get into power, but at the same time no one would turn a blind eye to his actions based solely on bias like they do with Trump. He has no chance of placating the MAGA party whatsoever if they turn on him for any reason. Not to mention that everyone knows hes a weird little gremlin, even his supporters

Its also super unnecessary to blow up the entire ship when we train snipers to shoot through the engine blocks on speedboats to disable them. Like the Coast Guard doesnt go around just blowing shit up, there were other options here

This guy writes his own, theyre usually quite good

I loved the part of the presser yesterday where they asked him about it and he pretended he had no idea anyone was saying he was dead

Like yeah, the guy whos been obsessed with twitter for years had no idea that his alleged death was the most trending topic on twitter

Its like Nathan Pyle if he never became successful and sounded like he has people locked in his basement

Generally speaking its fine to wash your body with shampoo, its just not good to wash your hair with body soap