Overall, I disagree.
I have a good friend that never contacts me first. But if I start the conversation, they engage, often propose extra plans and are great to hang out with. They just postpone reaching out.
I have friends that often beat me to the punch, and initiate the conversation first way more often than I do. I am grateful and we then have nice chats. Only sometimes we end up making plans, but I always thank them for reaching out.
I have vague acquaintances with which I exchange birthday wishes every year. If by chance we were meeting up again, we would have a pleasant surface level conversation. They used to be friends, but we live far away now and the friendship dwindled. Still going to send birthday wishes to minimally keep in touch. That’s fine too.
I had this problem several times as well. I was told once I should at least extent my hand and be the one starting the conversation. Thing is, if I am doing that all the time and I never have it the other way around, means 2 things: either they don’t care enough to even ask how I am doing, and/or take for granted I deal with that.
Most relationships are a 2 way street. You may start the conversation a couple of times, but if you keep doing with 0 payout, eventually falls off.
This also reminds me of the people that only bother to tell something on birthdays (only if it is visible somewhere like LinkedIn or so), and/or Xmas just to give happy birthday/holidays. If the conversation is that short every time (get felicitations and say thanks, not much more), then maybe don’t bother saying anything at all. And please, do not only reach out when you have problems. If we didn’t talk for years, and you tell me how I am doing just to ask for a favor, please kindly fuck off. Got several time those as well.
And please, do not only reach out when you have problems. If we didn’t talk for years, and you tell me how I am doing just to ask for a favor, please kindly fuck off. Got several time those as well.
These people are the worst
I trust my friends and our friendship, some of them has anxiety that make it very stressful to reach out, luckily I don’t so I don’t mind keeping in touch for both our sake.
Not everything need to be an exchange and there’s no need to constantly second guess our relationships.
I definitely have friends like this. I have some family like this. We are good no matter how much time between communications.
I also have some family that put zero effort in and maybe they’d show up if I needed them. But given that after one text, they haven’t checked in at all after my Dad died unexpectedly 7 months ago…
They still have each other and both parents. I’m not going to be the one comforting them.
So I’m not actually sure they’d show up even if I asked.
Luckily, I have people who have checked in on me without me having to reach out first.
You definitely shouldn’t put energy into a friendship if you feel like the other person isn’t interested, but be careful with this mindset. I’ve seen plenty of cases where this becomes such a fear and habit, that the person never reaches out to anyone, because they’re waiting to be talked to first as a test. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
Others are also busy. Others might also be waiting for you to reach out. If you want a friendship to happen it’s OK to initiate. People will often appreciate it.
3 points to remember.
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If you miss someone, are thinking about them, or just feel compelled to let them know that they matter to you, get in touch. Don’t make a big deal out of it. Just text, email, or call to say hi. You dont have to expect reciprocity, to make plans, or any big gestures. You thought about them for a reason and you should just touch base and let them know that. That’s how friendships work.
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If you feel like you are obligated to connect with them, like it is a chore, like you are putting energy into something that you are not getting anything out of, that is not fulfilling your need or want for companionship, etc., explore why that is and remedy it. That might mean having a frank conversation with the friend about how you feel. That might mean establishing healthy boundaries or expectations. That might mean putting that friendship at a lower priority or leaving it behind. Just take steps to keep everything healthy.
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If you find yourself thinking “It’s their turn to call”, “They’re the ones that are always too busy to hang out, so it should be on them to reach out when they are free”, “They didnt say thank you for the thing I did for them”, etc., then you are part of the problem that needs to be fixed. Friendships arent meant to be transactional, someone else’s job, or an entitlement. You need to re-examine your behavior and the way you see the other person if you feel those things.
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That’s why group chats exist, so you can keep the friendship alive through memes and news
